The Official Home of Comedian/Actor Mark Riley

BLOGISMS FROM MARK

April 19, 2010

It's all in the name. I believe that is how the saying goes. Well these days, everyone wants a special name. It's really getting out of control. You can't call anyone by the name you used to call them by. Midget are little people, Indians are Native People. Everyone's a "people". It's not fun playing Cowboys and Native People. And no offense to midgets, but midget is a funny word. It's like the word orangutang. Or as they like to be referred to as, "large, long-armed anthropoid apes." Oh, and by the way, I am a big fan of midgets, I mean little people. I wish I had a friend that was a little person. I have a few friends that at "mental midgets". I guess they should be called "mental little people". Or we could just go with morons. That works too.

April 18, 2010

I guess New Hampshire is a state that is one I should perform in more often. This week it was Pelham, NH and yes I know what you are thinking, "Wow, he is playing all the big rooms." Hockey benefits are always fun, considering my background as a pro hockey referee. I love telling the story about calling a holding penalty on a one-armed hockey player back in the Hockey Night in Boston tourney many years ago. General audiences just don't appreciate the humor in that story like hockey people. And if you are going to go to the Woburn Moose Lodge (another big room) from Pelham, bring a sherpa guide.

April 12, 2010

Hudson, NH rocks! If you told me that I was going to do a show at a Community Center in the middle of no where New Hampshire, I mean Hudson New Hampshire, and that the show was going to be one of those magical shows, I would have told you that you were crazy. But this show was crazy good. There must have been 1000 people, alright, more like 300. The whole town. They were great. With the exception of one lady who was inebriated (never typed that word) and kept yelling out useless information. Put it this way, I should have recorded a CD. Thanks Hudson, you rock.

April 1, 2010

So a few weeks back I am doing a show in Somerville and I get heckled by a blind guy. No I want to state right now that I have nothing against blind people. Or the vision impaired or whatever you are supposed to call them now a days. But to be heckled. Please. My hands are tied. I make fun of him and I'm the bad guy. I can't hit him. Well I could. I wouldn't be too worried, I think I could take him. Come to think about it, is a sucker punch really a sucker punch if the guy you're hitting is blind. I mean he didn't see it coming anyway. I know I'm a jerk, but it is funny.

March 4, 2010

So a trainer gets eaten by a killer whale. This is sad on many levels. This whale already killed twice before this incident. Has anyone thought of letting this thing go? FREE WILLY! I could understand why the heterosexual tiger ripped Roy's (of Siegfried and Roy) face off. That was bound to happen. This killer whale should be no surprise either. I mean it has the word "killer" in its name. Maybe they could make a reality show with the whale. In stead of Jersey Shore it could be Seaworld's Tanks. Tilikum (this would be the whale who killed the trainor) could play the steroid jerk. We could get Shamu to play an obnoxious bimbo. This sounded good in my head but as I type it I am realizing that this just wouldn't work. Maybe we could do "Are You Smarter than a Killer Whale Trainor?" I already know I am because I wouldn't swim with an animal that eats sharks.

March 1, 2010

I love when the Olympics are on because my bits about the various sports are finally topical. I have to ask, what the hell is up with curling? Is this not the most foolish "sport" on Earth? I thought badminton in the summer games was bad. At least they do something physical. I was most upset when Canada beat the US in men's and women's hockey. I will say that the Olympics do inspire you to go ski and shoot stuff.

February 7, 2010

Last night I performed at the John Carver Inn in Plymouth, MA. The pool at this place is awesome. They have a Mayflower replica with an 80 foot slide going through it. It is sick. They also have a hot tub in the middle of the pool built into a Plymouth Rock replica. By the way, if you haven't been to Plymouth Rock, go and be ready for a very exciting experience. It is a freakin rock. A rock. Sad attraction is what I am saying. The Inn has a monitor at the front desk that shows a live video feed from the pool. Talk about every pervert's dream. If I could get that video feed in my room I could save $8.99, if you know what I mean. I probably should not have typed that. Oh well.

Anyway, the show was very exciting. The audience was great. Very fun. I killed, and I almost literally killed. An older woman in the crowd, she was about 83, began to slump over in her chair. Oh, and I should mention that she was in the front row. She had to be carried out in her chair. This is right in the middle of my set. Talk about a comedy speed bump. Come to find out she is a diabetic and she had too many deserts. Can you say hyperglycemic shock? As they say, "The show must go on". I quickly redirected the audience's attention back to the funny and I finished up on a huge high. The lady was fine. Maybe my dolphin joke was too much for her. Who knows.

January 1, 2010

Happy New Year! I have always had a problem with that saying. I am all about being positive but what if your sure that the beginning of 2010 will just be a sucky continuation of 2009? The crappy stuff didn't magically disappear when the clock struck 12:01, if you know what I mean. I would rather say, "I hope this year doesn't suck for you" which is kind of like "Happy New Year" but just a tad more descriptive and precise. Maybe this will be a good year, hell, even a great year, but for now all I can do is hope and prayer that the magic elves will come in the dark of the night and make all my problems go away. Damn those elves. By the way, does anyone else think that Dick Clark died a while ago and what we see now is just a mechanically version of him? And do we have to watch him kiss his wife every year? Its like a bad car accident or a fat girl in a bikini. You don't want to look but you do. You want to look away, but you can't. Damn Dick Clark. Anyway, Happy New Year. Yeah, I said it.

December 28, 2009

Once again, I managed to disappear for a while. My daughter won't stop Facebooking. I was finally able to get the laptop back from her. Christmas has come and gone and now we face another new year. Very exciting. I started watching that show Dexter on Showtime. My wife gave me season 1 and 2 for Christmas. This show is awesome. I am totally hooked. I just finished season 1. If you haven't seen this show, watch it. You will be blown away. I have a bunch of local shows coming up so hopefully I will see you at one of them. Oh yeah, God bless Tiger Woods. He gave us comedians tons of new material. I will say that if I hear the "What's the differnece between Tiger Woods and Santa Claus" joke again, I will punch someone in the face. Happy New Year!

September 27, 2009

I'm back. Its been a while I know, but the important thing is that I'm back. One of the funniest things happened to me at a recent show. On Wednesday night at the Comedy Vault in Boston there were 4 Amish people in the crowd. That's right, I said Amish people. Real live breathing Amish people. There was five other normal couples there too. I asked if they, the Amish, were from Pennsilvania and they said no. New Hampshire, no. They said Indiana. I did not know they had a sleeper cell out there. That is a long way to travel and I was thinking that their horse must have been exhausted. Must have walked his hooves off. Then they tell me that they are staying at the Park Plaza Hotel. The Park Plaza. Apparently the recesion has not affected the quilt or basket business. Someone must be buying those foolish fireplaces. And by the way, those fireplaces are electric. How are they testing them? Maybe the whole Amish thing is a sham. The funny clothes, the horse and buggies, all a sham. You never know. I'd like to find out though. Someday.

July 18, 2009

Well, the weather has finally changed. The BCS, But Crack Sweat, has been through the roof lately. This is a good thing. One thing that I have been wondering about is the concept of us men getting in trouble with our wives for something a guy on the Lifetime Network has done. This channel is terrible for the well being of men in general. Women love this network. I hate it. The men in the movies that are shown on Lifetime can never do anything right. They are always screwing things up with their wife or girlfriend. This channel is as bad as Dr. Phil, who loves to have subjects on that make men look bad and piss all women off in the process. So, I would like to take this time to thank Dr. Phil and Lifetime for making our lives more difficult than we already make them.

June 30, 2009

On June 20th I had the pleasure to do a show at Giggles for the graduating class of Kennett High School from North Conway, NH. This was the most fun I have had doing a show in a long, long time. They were as entertaining as I was. They had things I had never heard of like Key Club and a Hospitality Team (which won the national championship, no really they have a competition for that kind of thing). I think Pierre, the French exchange student was the best. He made the show for me. If you saw me at this show, thank you for being such a great audience. I hope to see you again at another show.

June 15, 2009

Been away for a while, I know. I have a lot of schnike going on. Anyhow, what is up with this weather? I would like to punch Al Gore right in the face. Global warming my a**. This is June people. It feels like October, or November some days. Crazy. I want SUMMER. I want 90 degrees. I want it hotter than Africa. I want to have the BCS to be through the roof. If you are wondering what BCS is, it is But Crack Sweat. I want to be able to house a goldfish in my shorts. You get the point. I am sick of what the weather people are calling "spring". Spring this. Lets bring on summer.

May 23, 2009

Where did the last month go? Time really does speed up when you get older. How come when you're doing something you like the time speeds by. When you are doing something that sucks, time creeps along and you feel like anything else would be better than where you are. Even a root canal would be more fun. Anyhow, I did a benefit show last night for Braintree South Girls Softball. There is nothing more exciting than a t-ball game to watch. Even better is when the girls start pitching. Can you say "walk-fest". The crowd last night was great and myself and Dave Russo and Patty Ross had a lot of fun.

May 15, 2009

I feel like this is a trend, I have been away for a while. The latest news is that Miss America was found out to be naughty. Pictures surfaced of her naked. I find it odd that in this country, a country that prides itself on over-indulgence, gluttony, and extreme everything, would have a problem with a beauty pageant winner being naked. This country has morals when it is convenient. I love it. You go Donald Trump, who is a man of integrity. Let her be nude and keep the crown. And the Miss Universe pageant cracks me up too. Who are we to be so arogant. For all we know there could be an alien out there with extra female body parts.

April 21, 2009

Yes, I finally have VIDEO. It took me a long time but now it is here. Check me out on Youtube at www.youtube.com/markfriley. Let me know what you think.

April 18, 2009

I know I have been away for a while. Thanks for checking back. Also, let me know what you think of my "blogging" (if I had a nickle for every time I said that). Okay, 2009 and we still have pirates. Are you kidding me. And they don't look like Johnny Depp. I can't believe this has been going on this long and the iTeam hasn't done a story on it. Send Joe Bergintino or Hank Philipe Ryan over there to get to the bottom of this. I think the comedy in this is the fact that there had to be some of these nitwits that thought they were going on a deep sea fishing tour and then all of a sudden they are taking over a tanker. And when they are caught you know they are going to say "I was just here to catch some flounder." I would say to them, if you are on a pirate ship, you are a pirate. Ahhhr me harties.

April 2, 2009

Is everyone getting money from the government but you and me? Bail this out (insert visual image here). The banks and car dealers have been stealing money from us for years. Now somehow, they have figured out a way to steal our tax money too. Everytime I over-draft I bailout the bank with my $39 fee. If another $3.15 trip to Dunkin Donuts costs me $42.15, I am going to snap. And car dealers? Are you kidding me? These theives have been screwing us for years. Now if you are a car dealer or a bank person, don't take this the wrong way. I am just blogging. I don't want you to get beat up or anything. Sucker punched maybe, but not a full fledged beating. I just want the government to put together a real stimulus package. Throw everyone who makes less than $100,000 a bone. Let the women have a $500 shopping spree and let the guys get a massage with full release. Now that will stimulate everyone.

April Fools Day. One would think this is a comedian's favorite day. Not this one. All the gags are fun of course, but they have all been done before. I shouldn't say all, but most. Fake dog poop, hand buzzer (a classic), dollar bill on a string. Don't get me wrong, I like them all, but maybe I am just to jaded. You know. I did pull a prank this year. I left a bloody severed arm in the hallway of the school that I was subbing at. Principal did not find this funny. Same guy who didn't like my DNA answer. Oh well, one more school I can't work at.

Alright, the world has officially gone crazy. The Foxy Lady had a job fair. Insert your own stipper jokes here. A job fair. Talk about a great excuse for a guy to go a strip club. "Honey, I am going to a job fair, I'll be home later." I would have loved to have seen some of the applicants for "stripper". I am sure a lot of them should have stayed home. I guess the guy had 26 openings to fill (once again, insert your own stripper joke here). I wanted to send my wife down. Nothing hotter than a married stripper. And how cool would it be to say that you were married to a stripper. This of course, when brought up, did not go over to well with the mrs. Oh well, a guy can try can't he. Here is to the economy getting a bust, I mean, boost.

March 19, 2009

Alright, here's a good one. I blogged on Sunday night and then forgot to put it out on the web. If you did come to check it out, sorry. I am kind of not good at this stuff. Last weekend was a trip. Working with Lenny Clarke is always awesome. All three shows I did with him were sold out. I do have two big shows coming up. One is March 27th at the DAV Hall in Braintree for Braintree Youth Hockey. I am taping the show for a live CD. I am also taping a show down in Connecticut on April 3rd in Wallingford. The CD should be out in about a month or so after that. Stay tuned.

March 9, 2009

Does everyone have this stomach bug? Jesus help us. If someone is not puking they are on the toilet. I feel like I am on a cruise ship that has the Norwalk virus. There is no where to hide. If (when) I do get it I think I will eat some raw chicken and let the viruses fight it out. Maybe they will nuetralize each other and I will be fine. I will let you know how I make out.

March 8, 2009

What a show last night. I had a blast with the good people of Norfolk Agie. The crowd was great, except for the guy in the white turtle neck. The raffle provided a huge amount of material. When a big burly guy who tries to act tough wins an afghan, that is comedy gold. I have never typed the word afghan. I have no idea if I spelled it right. I bet I will never type it again. Unless I end up having some weird knitting fantacy. You never can tell. Stranger stuff has happened.

March 2, 2009

School Cancelation: When I was a kid, school cancelation days were awesome. Now, with kids, they kind of suck. Trapped in the house with the kids with only two choices. Sit inside and stare at each other OR go outside in the crappy weather and "play" in the snow. Please. Shoot me. I suppose it is not so bad, it kind of beats working. Of course that does not apply to comedy.

February 20, 2009

School vacation week this week. Shoot me now. I want to go back to school. I have become the Master of the Playdate. The key is to send your kids with other families. Sometimes you lose two but gain one. Playdates at your own house can suck. Unless of course you can sneak out without them seeing you. JK. Oh yeah, and vacation homework, just great.

February 8 , 2009

Don't look now, but I am blogging within one week of the last blog. I must be losing it. I had a great show in Hollis, New Hamshire last night with the people from Pepperell-Ashby-Townsend hockey. I still can't figure out the name. I am still stuck on the woman that had 8 kids. She already had 6. If my math is correct, that's 14 kids under the age of 7. I am not even one of the fathers and I want to run away. I heard after they were born they were all put in a big cardboard box. They only expected 7, so when the eighth came out they thought it was a chihuahua. Let's just say the eighth was on the ugly side. How sad is it that I had to look up how to spell chihuahua. And she is going to breast feed them. Yah right. Women are actually donating breast milk to her. That's wacked. This breast feeding thing is out of control. Pretty soon they are going to have it at Dunkin Donuts. "Large hazlenut with breast milk no sugar". Delicious.

February 2 , 2009

Finally I blog again. First off, I want to let everyone know that I have been having a blast at my shows recently and it is because of you (if you have attended a show in the past few weeks, if not, why?) From Plymouth to Providence the crowds have been great. I don't think I have had a show as good as the 10 pm show at the Comedy Connection in Providence on Saturday night. That's it for now. Check back in March and I might have something new. Just kidding.

January 15, 2009

Happy New Year! Again I haven't blogged in a while. I guess I am to busy to blog. No time to blog. One of my New Year's resolutions is to blog more. More blogging in 2009. Check back and I promise I will write some new stuff.

November 18, 2008

Sorry I have not had any postings lately. Life has been pretty crazy. I first want to say that I had a lot of fun at the Flagship Cinemas in both Derry, NH and in New Bedford, MA. The people up in New Hampshire are a little strange, but very fun. I have two big shows coming up. The first is this Friday, November 21st. I will be hosting my annual benefit show for Meeting House Montessori School of Braintree. I have Robbie Printz, Bob Gautreau and Graig Murphy performing. The following week on November 29th I am hosting a benefit show the Jeff Hayes Memorial Fund down in Cotuit. Jeff played hockey for me at Sandwich High School a few years ago. Jeff tragically lost his battle with cancer and the comedy show is to both raise money and remember Jeff. If you are free, come check out one of the shows. They both will be great. Thanks for stoping by and remember, if you need a comedian for your Christmas Party (or Hanukkah or Kwanzaa party) get in touch with me. I will make your party a lot of fun.

November 3, 2008

First off, why do I keep typing 2008? The election is finally here this week. This is a good thing because I don't know if you are like me, but I am sick of all this crap. Just elect someone already. I came up with a good idea. Hold the election, see who wins and then let Ralph Nadar take over and run the country for 1 year. Lets see if this guy can do anything with our economy. He can't srew it up any worse, can he? After a year, if he sucked, then let whoever wins this week take over.

November 3, 2008

November 2, 2008

Last night we gained an hour of sleep with Daylight Savings. Its nights like that I was wish I was still drinking. Anyway, I did an All Pro Show for the Duxbury Police at Pembroke Country Club. The last time I was at Pembroke Country Club, I was at my wedding reception. No lie. Kind of crazy. The people at the show were the best. I sold a record 15 cds. Thanks to all those nice people, I can pay 5% of my rent.

October 31, 2008

I had to share a quick story from trick-or-treating with my kids tonight. My son went as a chicken. His friend went as a Mexican (I hope this does not offend - not that I really can give a crap). Watching the Mexican and the Chicken run around was hysterical.

October 26, 2008

My show last night at Nicks Comedy Stop in Boston was an international affair. We had people from the Dominican Republic, Canada, England, Hudson Mass, New Hampshire, Revere, Georgia, Buffalo, shit even New Jersey. The best of all was a guy from Santa Maria. I know what you are thinking, that is a ship not a country or even a place. However, it is an island off the coast of Portugal. Who'd thunk it. Good thing I payed attention in Geography class.

October 25, 2008

Weekend went well. I found out Lemoinster (I think that is how you spell it) is the proud home of Johnny Appleseed. Southie is the proud home of Whitey Bulger. Kind of a contrast wouldn't you say.

October 20, 2008

Well, I survived the weekend, and I mean I survived the weekend. I went over to Nantucket, a place I had never been to before, to do an All Pro Show for the Nantucket fire fighters with Frank Santorelli, Danny Miller and Greg Howell. We had a blast. The show was awesome. The people were awesome. A little on the "island" weird side, but awesome. The Ferry ride back on Sunday, not so awesome. There was 45 mph winds and we left at 7:45 am, the only ferry to cross the "river" that day. We took the fast ferry. It was coming out of the water as we went through the waves. Poor Greg Howell was white by the time we made it across.

October 12, 2008

Wow. My first real blog. Well, its my first real blog using a keyboard. I have blogged many times on the internet, but never with a keyboard. I hope I am doing this right. My biggest news lately is the release of my CD. I had a huge CD release party on September 13th in my driveway. Three people showed up. Two relatives and an old guy who thought it was a yard sale. Boy was he pissed. Sales are going well. If you come to a show, make sure to pick one up after the show. They are only $10 and all the money goes to a really good cause. My car insurance. 1`That's it. My first blog. Be sure to come see a show soon. Remember laughter increases blood flow in the heart by 33% and I do NOT collect a co-pay. Thanks for reading and I will be writing more soon, so check back.